September 25th: A Newsletter

In the ninth month of Christmas...

• Letter from the Editor

• [Article]

• Recipe for Long-Lasting Friendship

• “The Twelve Months of Christmas” Chapter Nine

• Christmas Puzzle to Make You Go aWOOOga

[Article title]

[by line]

Charlie, my dude. You said you'd write an article, where is it? I need it in this newsletter by 12pm CST 9/24 - Holly Carroll 9/22

CHARLIE. CHECK YOUR MESSAGES. - Holly Carroll 9/23

Hahaha hey sorry i forgot, but here's a poem i wrote this morning

roses are reddish

violets are blueish

i just ate a radish

and i honestly think that can be seen as really metaphorically resonant image of today's society's relationship with holiday consumerism.

Think About It. - Charlie Chestnut 9/24

You are currently my least favorite person. - Holly Carroll 9/24

"The Twelve Months of Christmas"

by Kafryn Swargyn

***

Chapter Nine:  Nine Ladies Dancing

Fine. Who cares. This existence has lost all point anyhow. You may as well let the housekeeper derail all your carefully laid escape plans.

You scoot into the kitchen the rest of the milk maids and soon find your arms heavy laden with sweet things. A platter of cranberry jelly something-or-others in one hand, another of petit fours that smell decidedly like peppermint in your other, and a three-tiered chocolate cake placed atop your head. You are wobbly. But once more, who is to care?

You feel the rhythm of many feet prancing before you hear the music. When you do, you immediately wish you could run away. The cake makes that difficult. It sounds like every stupid Christmas jingle you’ve ever heard melded into one, ungodly tune - an army of ugly sweaters laying siege to your ears. You follow the others carrying foodstuffs, past the ballroom to the feasting hall. Another servant rushes to take your burdens before they topple off of you. Just as you begin to relax your muscles, a different platter is thrust your direction. “Go offer these to the guests,” someone says, and you are thusly shoved towards the ballroom. 

You grunt as you take in the scene. A couple hundred fancy folk, all drowning in flounces and frills are swishing about the room. There is much mirth and merriment. It sickens you. 

You are on the point of throwing the platter at the nearest gentleman’s face, when some lady screeches. “YOU! I know you!!” She prances over to you with a giggle. “Why, I’m certain we’ve met before sometime or other!”

As you lack any profound response, you simply blink. You don’t recognize her and you don’t particularly care to talk to her. But the whole room now watches the pair of you. 

“Why on earth are you dressed as a maid?” she squeals. “No matter! I’ve a spare gown! You must be FANCY!!!” 

With that, she pulls you through the very middle of the ballroom to the doors on the other side. A posse of her flouncy friends join you. You are surrounded by so much ruffle and lace that you may soon suffocate. Nine giggling ladies, all jostling you towards a staircase. At least it gets you away from the horrid music. 

Alas, not for long. It will reel you back in soon enough. 

To be continued....

A Holiday Puzzle Just for You!