February 25th: A Newsletter

In the second month of Christmas...

• Letter from the Editor

• Ways to Christmas Your Lent

• “The Twelve Months of Christmas” Chapter Two

• Fun Christmas Puzzles to Make You Go Ummm 

Ways to Christmas Your Lent

by Natalie Plopkin

Back on Valentine's Day, we began Lent. But don't let anyone convince you that it isn't still Christmastime! If you've been slacking and need something to give up for Lent, like a week and a half late, here are some ideas that will help bring the Christmas season into your Easter season. 

Movies

Give up watching any and all movies or TV shows that don't relate to Christmas. No more Batman! Go watch A Charlie Brown Christmas or The Grinch or... I dunno, While You Were Sleeping? Figure it out. 

Gifts

Are you a procrastinator when it comes to buying Christmas presents? Well, stop it. Give up procrastination for Lent and get shopping. Or take this opportunity to think of really thoughtful gifts that you can make by hand. The possibilities are endless when you give yourself enough time!

Food

Lot's of people give up certain foods, or food in general, for Lent. I recommend you take this in another direction. Only eat foods that you can find recipes for in Christmas-themed cookbooks. Or, hey, why not stop drinking all liquids that aren't eggnog? 

Social media

If you're like most people these days (for a sufficiently restricted demographic), you probably spend way too much time on some form of social media. You might opt to limit your time on your phone, or using particular apps/websites, or maybe what you do on those sites. Do you comment way too much? This Lent, try committing to leaving only Christmas-related comments on the media you consume. See what happens if you only post pictures of the Christmas decor you're making. Remind everyone daily that Christmas Day is just around the corner. Everyone will love you for it!

Negativity

Do you spend too much time grumbling, wallowing, or otherwise just being a bummer of a person? Time to lean into that holiday cheer! Commit to being the holliest and jolliest person you know this season, and leave negativity by the wayside. (And, hey, maybe a pretty little newsletter might help keep you on track!)

Hatred of Christmas

We all have our vices. And some among us may be harboring bitterness towards Christmas, strange as that seems to some. Lent is a time for reflection, so let's all reflect together. Do you, in your secret heart, resent the holidays? Does the Yuletide joy of others cause you pain? Look inside that secret heart and swiftly evict your resentment without notice. IT'S CHRISTMAS. GET OVER IT. ENJOY IT. Or else :)

"The Twelve Months of Christmas"

by Kafryn Swargyn

***

Chapter Two: Two Turtle Doves

Maybe it’s been hours, or maybe days. You’re still moving forward, but at a snail’s pace as you try to stand still. It’s like an invisible wall is pressing against your back. You have nowhere to go but further into the tunnel. 

This whole time, you’ve been clenching every muscle. They’re growing tired now, and you really want to lie down. Maybe if it weren’t for that sinister partridge and whoever the heck “the Caroller” is, you could have stayed back in that meadow, and if not able to find your way home than at least you could have taken a pleasant nap. Oh, a nap sounds lovely, doesn’t it? You relax every so slightly. The tension abates. You relax more, yawning and stretching a little. Where you had been shoved and dragged and bullied before, now it feels more like bobbing along some lazy river. Don’t try to fight the current, just enjoy the sunshine. That’s what you’re meant to do. 

You’re somewhere in the warm hinterland between waking and sleeping now, and enjoying yourself as you forget the strangeness of your arrival here. No need to contemplate the blur that brought you to this wood, or the unsettling monotone of that partridge’s voice, or the oddness of the landscape itself that you can’t quite identify. Something about the colors of the leaves, wildflowers, and underbrush just feels wrong somehow. But you’re sort of napping, so no matter.

A little blur solidifies in your field of view. A slender, speckled bird flutters about your head. 

“Mmph,” you mutter, thinking it polite to greet the bird but not really awake enough to form any words officially recognized by the OED. 

The bird alights on your right shoulder. It coos gently in your ear, and you can’t decide whether you like the sound or dislike the tickling of feathers on your neck more. As you blink some bleariness from your eyes, another bird approaches. It’s identical to the first. Here it comes, cooing and taking up a perch on your left shoulder. 

“You’re on your way now,” the one on the right says softly. 

“On your way, on your way,” says the other. 

They coo in unison, “We turtley doves are so turtley glad you’re gliding along so peacefully now. The woods are so pleasant if only you’ll tread with pleasantness through them. Let the wind tug you onwards to cheer and high spirits, to the Caroller’s realm whence the Caroller calls for you to draw near it.”

Your eyes snap open at the Caroller’s name. The voice, the piercing eyes of the partridge return to your mind, and you feel something akin to panic building in your chest. What is happening?

“Who is the Caroller?” You hope these turtle doves might be a little more forthcoming than the partridge. 

The cooing continues, though the words pause while you ask the question. “The Caroller,” says the right one. “The Caroller is the ruler of Yuletide. The Caroller finds souls lost in humbug and brings them into the firelight. You’re on your way to the holiday blaze---soon you’ll smell the pies baking---and you’ll eat and be merry and live all your days in the warmth of the Christmas spirit.”

“No! No, I already told that dumb partridge I want nothing to do with Christmas. Tell me how to get home or I’ll strangle you both.”

The sound they make might be laughter, but it’s really hard to tell. “A silly little scrooge you are,” says the left one.

“Silliest of littlest scrooges,” says the right one.

“You’ll be home for Christmas.”

“Home is where the heart is and everyone’s home for the holidays, so says the Caroller.”

“Christmas shall be your home, Christmas your delight!”

Your stomach twists as you try to steady your frantic breathing. “This is nonsense.” The invisible force is still carrying you onward, farther down the tunnel in the leaves. You manage to turn your head enough to see the opening to the meadow as it shrinks smaller and smaller, then disappears as you round a bend in the path. To either side of you is thick green. But maybe, you muse, maybe you could break through it---what waited on the other side? 

In a rare moment of decisiveness, you dash into the woods, startling the turtle doves off your shoulders. You run without any clear idea where you’re going. All you know is that, somehow, you have to escape all these nightmare birds. The cooing fades behind you. You’re almost hopeful now---maybe the doves have given up on you. But soon a root grabs your ankle. The soft dirt hits your face, and your breath disappears. 

A cooing begins again. You don’t have the energy to raise your head, but you know the doves have found you. They sound gentle, but the noise is incessant and almost dizzying. Your brain is turning to mush, like to leak out your ears if they don’t stop. It takes all your effort to keep from falling asleep. Even then it’s not enough. Your skull thrums with shapeless confusion. Your eyes close. You lose track of time. 

To be continued....

Holiday Puzzles Just for You!

Our lovely contributors have put together a few holiday puzzles for you! The answer keys will be published in next month's newsletter---if we remember, which is definitely not guaranteed.

Answer Keys

Here we have the solutions to some puzzles from our January newsletter. But you probably already knew all the answers, you clever little sausage.